I have quite a few people who I consider friends. Facebook says I have over 500 - but a lot of those are people who I either went to school with and knew vaguely, or friends of friends, that sort of thing. I consider myself to be relatively easy to get along with, and I tolerate a lot of stupid things from my friends, because most of the time, it's pretty funny. Harmless, but funny.
Think of your closest friends. How close do you have to be to someone to blindly forgive any transgression, and how disappointing is it to find that when you ask that very question of yourself, you find that perhaps you weren't as close as you thought you were?
I became a step-father at the age of 33, and a father for the first time of my precious daughter in 2004. I had privately convinced myself years ago that was probably never going to happen, but now that it has, I cherish my three children (and yes, I consider my stepsons as my children as well as their father's children - I love them, would do anything for them, and the only "steps" in my house lead down to my family room). Perhaps I'm a little bit "pollyanna" about this, but I couldn't imagine ANYTHING taking me away from my children - whatever forces there are out there couldn't make me be that selfish to put my desires over my wife and children. I would never leave my wife anyway - it took me two tries to get THAT right, and I have someone who loves me despite all my quirks (and I have a lot of them). I could never bring myself to do anything (on purpose) that would destroy my family.
I ask this because there are some people whom I have considered friends that are making decisions that I can't condone, and I feel as if the friendships are strained, quite possibly one that can never be repaired. I'm not an overly spiritual person, but I do pray on occasion, and I pray for these people to realize that their behavior is destructive, and is going to scar their children, if it hasn't already. If you want to make mistakes, that's on you - but why hurt innocent children whom you had a hand in creating? I pray for the kids and the spouses affected, and I understand that there are other forces that come into play - sickness, addictions, things of that nature. Maybe it's hard for me to grasp that, because I am not an addictive person by nature. I'll never know the grip that can place on someone (at least I hope not - I was going to joke about something, but now's not the time for that.).
So I pose the question - where does loyalty end? We all had "best friends" in school that we disconnected from, either by choice or by circumstances. I've never disconnected by choice - and for the first time in my life, I'm thinking about it. IF I do, I would wish them well, hope they can straighten out their lives, and move forward.
As an aside, I do have one friend that asked an easy favor - which I am happy to grant. For those who enjoy these writings, I have a friend who thinks along the same lines as I do - whom I have known since high school. Please check out his blog - http://h8rdsox.blogspot.com/
Thank you all for your opinions on my previous posts. Again, feel free to share your comments either directly here, or on Facebook. I anxiously await your opinions.
I promise next time I'll write about something more light-hearted - like my stupid cat or something the kids have done (I actually have an idea perking up now - you'll get to know the kids a little better next time!)
Hi Bill! In 2008 I married the man I have loved since the first time I met him in 2005. He's an alcoholic, and the offspring of a long line of alcoholics. There is exactly one case of alcoholism in my family, and he's been sober for at least 15 years, now. So I had no clue how to deal with it. In fact I became the textbook enabler.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing is to be there, provide love, and be firm when you set boundaries. Also remember that addicition itself is not a sickness, it's the symptom of a deeper sickness. Until these folks tackle the underlying root cause of their addiction, they will never be able to be fully cured.
Me and hubby have come so far in the few years we've kown each other, and I know that one day he is going to beat his monkey. Get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I meant! :-)
I think that every friendship is based on a give and take. You give them the same loyalty and respect that they give you. I have had to not end put severly change relationships with people because I cant be a part of the choices they make. How ever ones someone has become a part of me I will forever be there for them to reach out to. Loyalty is not always the same for people. If my friend was doing something that was hurting them and going to destroy thier life loyalty is not keeping my mouth shut loyalty is opening it and making them face up to it. My loyality is to them as a person not to thier wants... does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteIt is refreshing to hear from a man who loves his wife and children. Loyalty is a rare find these days, and when you have some one who is loyal to you and is deserving of your loyalty, you need to hold on for dear life.
ReplyDeleteBill thanks again for such a thought provoking blog. I agree with Jen. However I have also had to leave behind two friends in my life who, after many attempts to express my guidance to them, I had to leave to their own paths. There's nothing more important to me than my family and I'm blessed enough to have a husband who has spent a great deal of time doing the work necessary with me to have a loving healthy relationship (only took 15 years but hey, I needed some work!) I used to let my friends walk all over me and do whatever they wanted in their lives but now I wish that everyone in my life has the self worth and selflessness to treat those around them with the same love and respect they show themselves. It's hard to leave long time friends but for me, my life feels a lot less burdened by my feelings of conscious for their actions.
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