Greetings my friends. It's been a while. I don't normally use this as a forum for bad feelings, but today is a little different. Today cemented something for me that I have been in denial about for a while.
As I type this, my left arm is in a sling because I did something seriously bad to my shoulder, my upper lip is fat and cut, my chin is a little banged up and my left arm is scratched up a bit. I played hockey earlier tonight and somehow, I train wrecked myself into the back post of the goal net. Face and shoulder first. Must have looked pretty bad, because I feel like I've been in a car accident. I like to think I have a pretty decent pain tolerance, but in the Urgent Care, after my inconclusive X-ray, I felt the tears coming down as the pain in my shoulder reached heights that I'm not sure I've ever felt.
My wife basically told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want me to play ever again. She said this to me last year after my concussion and the 4 days of post-concussion syndrome that I spent on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. Well, after about 9 months I started to get the itch to play again, and even though I knew she didn't like it, she agreed to let me play. Well, after tonight, there will be no more bargaining. I started playing at 10 years old, played on my high school team all four years, and have played off and on the next 25 years. Tonight was the last time I will ever lace up my skates as a player. Ever. No ifs, ands, or buts. I will still referee, because I am basically out of the line of fire most of the time doing that, but my hockey stick is now retired. And that hurts me just as much as the searing pain ripping through my left shoulder.
My daughter is now 9 years old. She's growing up way too quickly, and I know that before I realize it, she'll be in middle school, and fawning over boys, then High School, and driving, and hopefully making decisions that won't keep me up at night. It seems like just yesterday she would lay on my belly and fall asleep. She was my baby. She's definitely not a baby anymore. That hurts me as much as the searing pain that is still ripping through my left shoulder.
I look in the mirror now, and I notice things are changing. I was always the skinny kid growing up. Not so much anymore. I notice that when I get my haircut, as it grows in, more and more grey is slipping into the mix. On the days I don't shave, a LOT more grey comes in. That hurts me as much as.....you get the idea.
My harsh reality is that I am officially getting old. I am 42, and for the first time ever, I am scared of it. I am now taking cholesterol medicine on a daily basis, because apparently 265 is a bad cholesterol number. I have aches and pains on a daily basis. I find myself saying things that my father said, that I used to laugh at because he was a "cranky old man" who didn't understand. My wife said it best when she said "That number on your hockey jersey is not your age." Because my usual number is 18, she's right.
I want to be around for my kids. I don't need something stupid happening in a meaningless hockey game that leaves me disabled, or paralyzed, or even worse. I don't want to drop dead of a heart attack because my cholesterol is so bad that my blood looks like Crisco.
I feel like I should be at some kind of support group. "Hello, I'm Bill....and I'm a geriatric."
Is anyone else like me? Do you think a lot more about this stuff than you used to? I'm anxious to read the comments on this one.
Thanks for listening. I'll try to be much funnier next time.
Sorry to hear you're injured. I didn't realize you were hurt badly, and I shouldn't have joked around about it on the ice.
ReplyDeleteAs for your question, I don't feel at all like you. I know that my hockey days are numbered - I'm 12 years older than you! - and I know my next injury will be my last, but that just makes me want to play more. I'm ache-y all the time, but I worry less than I ever did. I guess I'm trying to cram in as much skating as I can, while I still can.
Maybe the difference is that my kids are grown and don't rely on me as much as they did 20+ years ago. Or that I'm not nearly as good as you at hockey so I have a lower standard to maintain. Or maybe old age has made me more mellow. But I just don't worry much about injury or decrepitude.
And clearly I don't worry about the grey hair.... I wear it with pride!
Hope you're feeling better soon. It should certainly make you feel good to know you have a loving family who wants to keep you safe!!
-Roberta
I hope you recover quickly and the pain subsides. I'm sorry you will no longer be able to play your favorite sport. I too am feeling my body getting older, fatter, grey hairs and wrinkles. I was diagnosed with Barrett's Esophagus, taking cholesterol meds, have severe RLS and at the age of 44 am post-menopausal. If I laugh, cough, sneeze, run or jump, I piss my pants. I took a nap today that lasted 4 hours and my body is still tired. This getting older crap is NOT what I thought it was going to be but I am alive and I am going to make the best of it for myself, my husband and our kids. Sleep tight Bill, we still have years of moaning ahead of us :)
ReplyDeleteMr. B: As somebody who has a somewhat dangerous adrenaline fix of his own, the above struck a chord. It would be difficult to defend this, but I have to confess that despite living in daily pain from chronic injuries, I'm more afraid of having to retire from my passion than the spectre of injury itself.
ReplyDeleteWould it be sensible to gracefully move into middle age and hang up the skates? Maybe, but is that really the only option available to you? Is it still hockey if you dial the intensity down from 11 to 7 or 8, wear a helmet (don't know the circumstances of your concussion), don't play with 20 year-olds, don't check each other or brawl as hard? Is that even an option?
I think about this stuff a lot too. I wonder why being in my early forties has to involve so much pain, and so many little health things being non-optimal. I've got a lot to be thankful for, but after 40 I started to collect a lot of secondary issues and some of my old injuries became more chronic. All combined, it can really get me down. But I've found a way to not focus on them so intensively. And the pain hurts the same but I suffer far less if I get to do the things I love (even and especially the dangerous ones). I'm signing this semi-anon as to not run afoul of your wonderful wife (who I really hope I get to meet one day), cause if I played hockey, I'd probably be the guy sneaking you out of your house to the lake against her better wishes.
-Wang
I was wondering how you were doing after we talked on the curb. Your not done with hockey, you may be done with competitive hockey, but your not done. I've got short of 8 yrs on you, the BP and numbers are up, but so is the will to keep a stick on the ice. Far be it from me to counter the family wishes, for we all know they will be around long after the ice melts, but they do come first. Geriatric club...na. "Hi, I'm Bill and if I stop I'll need a cane, so keep up with me!" is better for you! PT that shoulder, you'll need it to hug the kids. See you in your stripes some night!
ReplyDelete