Reflections on a Sunday at the mall....

Hello everyone...remember me? I used to be the guy who blogged about things pretty much like clockwork every Tuesday. Unfortunately for the blog community, I don't have Tuesdays off anymore, but I felt compelled to jump on here on an otherwise beautiful Sunday afternoon because of my venture out today.

Today as you may be aware is Father's Day, so first I wish everyone a Happy Father's Day. I am the father of a wonderful 7 year old girl, who thought that my PERFECT Father's Day gift should be to take her to see a movie. I get very busy during the week, and I was under the impression (mistakenly as it appears) that the weather was going to be lousy today, so Janel, Emily and I decided to take a trip to see Mr. Popper's Penguins at the Poughkeepsie Palleria....oops, Galleria. Alliteration can be a real easy trap to fall into!

So, we left plenty early for the 2:00 movie, and the little things I saw that prompted me to write today are probably things that we've all seen in every mall in the country, but I feel as if I'm doing a public service by writing this today. These are open letters to various people I saw today - let's just play along and pretend they'll actually see them. I'm kind of happy they won't in actuality. That would take all the fun out of the whole experience. Anyway, here we go....

Dear Guy who hands out the samples at the Chinese food place,
I know that part of your job is to offer samples of your wonderful cuisine to everyone who passes by, but use your brain and your common sense. I walk by, you ask me if I'd like a sample, I say "No thank you." One minute later, I walk by the other way to go to a different place, and you ask me again. I haven't changed my clothes or gotten a haircut in the 60 seconds since our first encounter, so I'm pretty sure I'm still pretty recognizable. Again, I kindly say "No Thank You" and head to the smoothie place. With smoothie in hand, about 2 minutes later, you ask me AGAIN. Get the hint - if I didn't want to try your 3 hour old, rubbery chicken the first two times, what on earth would make you think that I suddenly had an epiphany and thought "Perhaps I'm missing out on this culinary masterpiece" the third time? If I wanted your chicken, I wouldn't have gone to Taco Bell.

Dear Middle Aged Lady living vicariously through your teenage daughter,
You look ridiculous. I understand that you want to be the "cool mom", and be a friend to your kid, but that doesn't mean that you need to wear clothes that match what your daughter wears. As much as it may be a dream to be considered a MILF, be thankful that "To Catch A Predator" doesn't do a reverse show for old women looking to secretly hook up with their daughter's male friends.

Dear Teenage Daughter of the lady mentioned above,
I don't know how in the world it became acceptable to wear clothes at a young age that make you look like a tramp, but regardless of what you've been taught about positive self-image, showing that much skin in public is as ridiculous as your mother's get-up. Cover yourself up.

Dear Mall Security,
I'm sorry you never got into the police academy, but your silly little badge and hat don't impress me. When the entire scope of your "security" duties is running the lost and found, I'd feel pretty much as secure without you as I do with you.

Dear Man and Woman with a combind 100 tattoos, 75 body piercings, and other body modifications,
If you don't want me to stare, don't look like a train wreck. You really think the satan-like horns you had implanted into your skull wouldn't make people look twice? I would bet that's why you did it - to "shock" people. You want to shock me? Let me see you behind the counter at the bank as an employee - that would shock me into soiling myself.

Dear 16 Screen Movie Theater,
It's Sunday afternoon. A lot of people go to the movies on Sunday afternoon. You might want to think about having more than two overworked kids working the snack bar. I shouldn't have to wait in line the same amount of time as the total runnung time of the movie I'm there to see.

Dear overworked kid at the snack bar of above mentioned Cinema,
I feel for you. You're swamped, and the public can be a pain in the posterior, but I ordered a popcorn and a drink. I am pretty sure you don't get paid commission, so stop trying to "upsell" me so hard. No I don't want Twizzlers - if I did, I would have ordered them. I do feel for you though.

Dear Lady going WAY to fast in the parking lot,
You almost made me pull my kid's arm out of the socket. SLOW THE **** DOWN! It's not a raceway, it's a parking lot. That parking space isn't worth killing my family over.

Well, that's the ones that stuck in my head anyway. If you have any you'd like to write, comment them on here or on Facebook. I enjoyed this - I forgot how nice it is to write. I hope you enjoyed it too. I promise I'll call more often.