Greetings my friends. It's been a while. I don't normally use this as a forum for bad feelings, but today is a little different. Today cemented something for me that I have been in denial about for a while.
As I type this, my left arm is in a sling because I did something seriously bad to my shoulder, my upper lip is fat and cut, my chin is a little banged up and my left arm is scratched up a bit. I played hockey earlier tonight and somehow, I train wrecked myself into the back post of the goal net. Face and shoulder first. Must have looked pretty bad, because I feel like I've been in a car accident. I like to think I have a pretty decent pain tolerance, but in the Urgent Care, after my inconclusive X-ray, I felt the tears coming down as the pain in my shoulder reached heights that I'm not sure I've ever felt.
My wife basically told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want me to play ever again. She said this to me last year after my concussion and the 4 days of post-concussion syndrome that I spent on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. Well, after about 9 months I started to get the itch to play again, and even though I knew she didn't like it, she agreed to let me play. Well, after tonight, there will be no more bargaining. I started playing at 10 years old, played on my high school team all four years, and have played off and on the next 25 years. Tonight was the last time I will ever lace up my skates as a player. Ever. No ifs, ands, or buts. I will still referee, because I am basically out of the line of fire most of the time doing that, but my hockey stick is now retired. And that hurts me just as much as the searing pain ripping through my left shoulder.
My daughter is now 9 years old. She's growing up way too quickly, and I know that before I realize it, she'll be in middle school, and fawning over boys, then High School, and driving, and hopefully making decisions that won't keep me up at night. It seems like just yesterday she would lay on my belly and fall asleep. She was my baby. She's definitely not a baby anymore. That hurts me as much as the searing pain that is still ripping through my left shoulder.
I look in the mirror now, and I notice things are changing. I was always the skinny kid growing up. Not so much anymore. I notice that when I get my haircut, as it grows in, more and more grey is slipping into the mix. On the days I don't shave, a LOT more grey comes in. That hurts me as much as.....you get the idea.
My harsh reality is that I am officially getting old. I am 42, and for the first time ever, I am scared of it. I am now taking cholesterol medicine on a daily basis, because apparently 265 is a bad cholesterol number. I have aches and pains on a daily basis. I find myself saying things that my father said, that I used to laugh at because he was a "cranky old man" who didn't understand. My wife said it best when she said "That number on your hockey jersey is not your age." Because my usual number is 18, she's right.
I want to be around for my kids. I don't need something stupid happening in a meaningless hockey game that leaves me disabled, or paralyzed, or even worse. I don't want to drop dead of a heart attack because my cholesterol is so bad that my blood looks like Crisco.
I feel like I should be at some kind of support group. "Hello, I'm Bill....and I'm a geriatric."
Is anyone else like me? Do you think a lot more about this stuff than you used to? I'm anxious to read the comments on this one.
Thanks for listening. I'll try to be much funnier next time.
